This is not about you at all its about the narcissist.Advertisementsif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'unmaskingthenarc_com-portrait-1','ezslot_15',109,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-unmaskingthenarc_com-portrait-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'unmaskingthenarc_com-portrait-1','ezslot_16',109,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-unmaskingthenarc_com-portrait-1-0_1'); .portrait-1-multi-109{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:15px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:15px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:250px;min-width:250px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}. My husband and I sit in the back garden in silence so the person cannot hear and then repeat what we say. I hope youve found some useful information from this article and are feeling more empowered about stepping into your own true place in this life. Narcs have zero empathy. All of these feelings are normal after a breakup, but especially so after being discarded by a narcissist. If you think back to how your ex behaved during the relationship, you are likely to be able to recognize him as belong to one of the following three groups. This approach conveys: you have no value to me. Dont assume that praise will last though, as the narcissist slowly introduces slights and insults into the relationship that are intended to devalue you and your self-worth. Every little piece of their bad behaviour that you see through and stand up against, all creates a strength in you that you may not even be aware of. My sister has long debased me. Very eloquent. Narcissist Discard Phase: Revenge or Peace? This kind of love, as Jungian analyst Robert Johnson once said, is always directed at our own projections, our own expectations, our own fantasies . Hes not capable of it, and all he really did bring to the table with sex and a whole Lotta trauma that I didnt deserve. Relationships with narcissists follow a familiar pattern that begins the moment you meet them. Narcs are brilliant and confident liars, holding eye contact and really wrapping people into their storyline. In some cases, they may not have entirely discarded you, and are just playing hot and cold, in which case ignoring them will likely lead them to attempt to "hoover" you back on to the relationship. He will never stop cheating and lying. for the poor new mark. Its been two months and Im already at the point where Id rather be single and just date then continue with him. I mean, the fact that they mean that much to you and that they have that much control over you, just validates their ego even more. the police had brought him here while evicting him from his last residence. Youve seen aspects of who they truly are, not the false image that they put so much energy into showcasing to the world. Hi, how are you? This means that the narcissist has likely been planning the discard for a while and they chose to do it at that particular time because something or someone else came up. If you cannot realistically envision a good future together that does not involve the narcissist suddenly becoming different, you might want to stay discarded.. Every time youre drawn to someone who triggers those hurts, you are looking outside of yourself for someone else to fix your hurts and show up the way you need them to. New Supply is a GOOD Thing . She dragged me into it and threw her rage at me! My narc ex actively did this after the break-up. Narcissists are famous for projecting their own bs onto others, then actually blaming the other person for the very things that they themselves are doing. Look at it like this, you had to study for an exam and you putting so much effort into hoping that you pass the test. If youre not living together, theres a good chance theyll simply pick a fight, blame you for the relationships failure, and then say something to make you feel awful about yourself. He can have you arrested. They just want to move on and the discard was simply a way for them to get rid of you so that nothing stood in their way anymore. I dont know what is wrong with me and why I feel I cant be done with him! Like an addict that builds up a tolerance, even this level of control can no longer boost the narcissists ego in the way they so desperately need. It is seized as solid evidence that you are one sick puppy, truly narcissistic! They push you away with the hope or even expectation that you come grovelling back to them. Once you see them for who they truly are and recognise their hoover tactics, the game is up. The final discard for me was when our children, who were friends, had a minor fight. Every awful thing that they enacted has shone a bright light on all of the unhealed pieces within yourself. Recognizing the narcissist discard phase and its meaning allows you an opportunity to break the cycle before the relationship gets even worse. Narcissists thrive on attention and when someone goes silent on us, our first instinct is to ask them whats wrong. You can follow Quora on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. There are though many wonderful channels out there on the topic. Dear ozanark. This constant self-questioning is yet one more outcome of having suffered narcissistic abuse. Being codependent, trauma bonded and ultimately enmeshed with the narcissist makes the discard an absolutely crushing experience. I choose my moment and said a couple of weeks later, its finished, we are clearly incompatible and Im going back to my apartment at the other end of the country. I am 63 and hid dozens of times under clothes in my closet. I can totally relate. Access from your area has been temporarily limited for security reasons. I have allowed myself to be completely isolated.I saw all the signs like loving cant be that deep at all! I have finally gone no contact. I have had enough of her abusiveness, criticism, browbeating. Smear campaigns can be utterly devastating and even serve to destroy peoples careers and reputations irreparably. It is cruel and a form . After devaluing the partner, which can take many forms such as gaslighting, insulting, demeaning, humiliating, smear campaigning, disappearing and cutting off contact, cheating, physical abuse and much more, the narcissist will often simply discard their victim and walk away. And now you find out that not only did they never love you, but the whole thing was built on lies and manipulations. If he were to come back this time with more of his future, faking bullshit, I would probably laugh at him. Their abuse is beyond your control. They have abused my parents beyond belief. So lets tackle No Contact vs. the silent treatment & ghosting, so that you can rest soundly knowing the differences between them are just as great as the contrast between you and the narc. they will find something else negative to do with their time. I hope to have a man that actually Listens, Cares, & isnt calculating the next scheme! Time will help us all. Or, if I agreed with what he said, then Id just okayed his behaviour, with serves to strengthen his public storyline. Their personal history is full of splits with people whom they now hate and refuse to talk to, often over events that they have mostly forgotten. Particularly when it comes to recognising manipulation & stripping back the layers of gaslighting. for more on trauma bonds). How To Deal With an Angry Narcissist? Again, you did nothing wrong! When they finally do leave, by moving out or divorcing you, theyll be in a better position to take everything, leaving you with only feelings of self-doubt. I have left him 4 times in 5 years! Narcissists are skilled manipulators and they may make you feel like its your fault, but that is simply a tactic to ensure that you do not get angry or upset about what happened. Narcissist Discard Signs Silent Treatment/ Ghosting Once a narcissist is done they will completely pull back from you. Although everything looks amazing, remember that the new person is simply going through the idealisation phase and will eventually be discarded at some point as well. Good luck to any/all experiencing same. If a narc knows the end is nigh, they cannot stand the thought of anyone else knowing any truth about who they are. But not before trying to push his way past me again like before. Usually, for a reason that seems due to no fault of your own. Typically, a narcissist will not care if you ignore them after they discarded you, because they have moved on to new prey. Once the narcissist has completely broken you down and you can no longer fuel their ego, they will discard you. I mean, lets be honest, narcissists are emotional voids at the best of times. Idk what his overall plans are, other than to divorce me. All of that effort will be directed at love bombing the new supply and extracting energy over there instead. To their mind, there is really no need to sully their hands with any unnecessarily unpleasant conversation if you are of no immediate nor further benefit to them. Idealization: During the initial stage of appreciation and idealization, the narcissist will often shower someone with praise, compliments, and attention in a practice sometimes called love bombing. I spent 15 years, committed and doing what a faithful partner should do. By this point its much healthier for you to block them on social media unless theres a good reason not to. Hi.. i have been reading on this website for 3 hours now.. i have been experiencing this for one year now, and it is the first time i feel validated from the bototm of my heart, thank you for being this thorough about this. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. 2. No Contact is frequently the last option for victims of narcissistic abuse who are pushed to do so as a self-preservation measure. She was two and I spent sixteen years with him sharing her or I thought instead he started grooming her as soon as she hit puberty by buying her things I could never even dream of and telling her I was a bad mom crazy you name it , he ended up giving more to my child while wrecking us than I ever had and I could not stop him even though my therapist said we have to get her away I could not she saw him as her dad she never had and a hero. My storage is going to auction today and my dog is with him in van. The narcissist will eventually leave you alone as they move on to their next victim who will provide them with a newfound well of ego-boosting attention. To understand why narcissists discard, first we need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship was never what we thought it was. Threats and insults that let the victim know they will suffer greatly by leaving the narcissist. Maggie x, Beautifully and succinctly written. 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